The Shapeshifter: Demanding Eating Disorder Voice in Recovery

It was one of those days that I dreaded going to therapy. The worry that I have nothing to say had started, alongside the anxiety of the session consisting of quiet and awkward moments. 

“What am I going to talk about?” The question would always make me reflect on my week starting from the moment I said goodbye to my therapist.

Nothing happened this week, I thought to myself. “Okay what about the week before?”

The reflection of the previous weeks inevitably led me to the question of “What did really happen since I started therapy?” 

I am a person who is susceptible to overthinking. I jump from one idea to another very quickly and can easily fall back into maladaptive thinking patterns no matter how many therapy sessions I attend.  

I realized that I was grinding my teeth and clenching my jaw. There was a feeling of impatience (what was I impatient about? No clue.) and a sense of urgency. As if I had to get going, I had to get something done right away but had no clue what. 

A voice inside kept repeating “Nothing changed. Have you completely stopped binging? No. Do you absolutely accept your body just as it is right now? Ha ha, what a joke. If you are not achieving any of these, what are you doing in therapy? You are making no progress. What is the point of going to therapy if you don’t make any progress? You are wasting your time.” 

I felt restless. I felt like crying but laughing at the same time because of the pressure I felt. I felt the child inside of me getting more and more nervous with each thought. 

“You will go to the session, tell her the same thing that you have been telling her for the last year? That you stepped on the scale? Or felt bad about something and binged? Same old story. Shouldn’t you be over it already? Now that it has been more than a year? Come on you need to do better, be better”

This was my eating disorder speaking to me, once again. I couldn’t recognize it at first glance because it was in disguise: it spoke about healing in a positive light, like it actually wanted me to recover fast and get better. If it wants me to recover, my Healthy side must be the one speaking, right? 

Well… As an eating disorder therapist, I now understand that it is not always your Healthy side speaking, especially if you are worried about your progress in therapy. The eating disorder voice that was once telling you to go on the next diet, that you are not losing weight fast enough may currently be telling you that you are not seeing results fast enough, the sessions are not as productive as they should be. That you are not doing eating disorder recovery correctly. Sounds very weird. Add that to the long list of things you should be achieving in the most right and perfect way, next to correcting your body through weight loss. Is there really a “right” way to do recovery?

The voice remains just as demanding, only shapeshifts into a different way of setting goals and pressuring you to meet them as perfectly and quickly as possible. The Shapeshifter. I like this name. Let’s keep it, so it is easier to differentiate from the Healthy side. The Shapeshifter is the good old demanding eating disorder voice with a tiny difference of having re-directed its impatient and urgent energy to another goal: recovering in the best, most efficient and quickest way possible. 

Do you recognize the Shapeshifter in your recovery journey?

Here are some questions to ask yourself to distinguish the Shapeshifter disguised as Healthy from the authentic, Healthy side:

1 – What does recovery mean to me? 

2 – What are my expectations of recovery?

3 – What should happen so that I say “I have recovered, I’m doing well”?

4 – Are my goals and expectations realistic? Do they leave space for mistakes? How do I feel about taking my time with progressing in recovery?

Bonus question to understand your Shapeshifter’s intention: “What are my fears around recovery? What is it that I’m scared of happening, if I recover?” 

Once, I went to a session with my therapist and shared my experience, whining and complaining that life is not getting better, it turned out to be one of the best sessions we had. It recalibrated my definition of recovery, moved me away from the perfectionistic recovery goals of the Shapeshifter. Recovering meant that I would slowly grow out of binge eating, not suddenly and drastically. I wouldn’t absolutely love and accept my body day and night, but I would be able to tolerate when I am not so comfortable about my body, co-exist with eating disorder thoughts without acting on them. I apprehended that recovery would take time, that it intentionally made space for imperfection and mistakes. Recovery wasn’t a destination to be reached, but a balance to be found in shades of grey.